This post stems from something that has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. It’s been plaguing my thoughts for years but for some reason it has been hard for me to admit to myself. If you asked me years ago, I would have told you that I was a pretty good friend. I would lend a hand, an ear, support, love, whatever my friends might be needing. I try very hard to be friendly and kind to everyone I meet but I tend to keep my close friendships to a smaller number of people. I feel like I’m doing alright with my casual friendships but I know how much I am failing at those that really matter.
I am so incredibly lucky to have a few close friends who I have always been able to count on. I love each of them so much, even though they may not know how much they really mean to me. I know that I don’t tell or show them enough. That being said, I know that life happens. People move and change. People get married and have kids. People get busy and have other areas to focus on. All of those things are ok and don’t mean that you’re not still friends or stop loving each other. That’s what happened to me. The marriage and the kids thing. Those guys take up a lot of my time and energy … and patience.
So for my friends …
I forget to answer texts, comment back, send a message I’ve been meaning to send. I try to like your posts on Facebook so that you at least know that I’m here and that I’m thinking of you. I miss the time I used to have to spend with you doing funny things just because we could and didn’t have a care in the world. I miss the times we thought the world was crashing down around us but we still had each other. I miss being able to walk out the door to see you without having to make sure the kids are in bed and someone can be with them. I miss the energy I used to have to hold a conversation about adult things that don’t involve poop, sleeping, or feeding someone else. I miss even knowing what to have a conversation about and being able to form cohesive thoughts.
For TLM, AMGB, AJD, ALN, PEAE, and JPD (in no particular order).
I miss you. I love you. I think about you often and wish that I could tell you more how much I appreciate the things that you do for me that you don’t even know about. Not asking anything of me or wanting me to be anything other than what I am. I’m sorry that when we do get a chance to talk I’m so distracted and can hardly carry on a reasonable conversation. I’m sorry that most of the time I have no idea what to talk about because more often than not I don’t know whether I’m coming or going.
I know that this season of life will end (though I’m trying hard not to rush it) and that I will eventually gain some sort of control over my brain again. I know that more things will change but some will remain the same. And I know that no matter how much time passes, you’ll still be my friend and I’ll be yours. Even though I’m not very good at it right now.
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